One of those "what's the point anyways?" rantings...

My life lately has been hours of nothingness. I solve the crossword in the daily newspaper and that's the most interesting part of my life as it involves thinking. So when my friend calls up and tells me his life is boring (with all the parties and beach trips and what-nots), I am like hello! I must be dead then.
Then I wonder, what's the whole point of living when I don't even seem to bother to want to feel alive. Life has been a series of painful blows one after the other for the past few months and I have now stopped feeling it all. It's like turning a light switch on and off, only I prefer it off these days.
The pain started when I moved back from Tokyo and hasn't stopped since.

• The extreme heat of India, the helplessness of seeing my dad and uncles running around trying to do the best to make the last days of my dying grandmum comfortable, while still struggling to come to terms with the prospect of losing their mother.
• The pain of the loss of my last living grandparent. Yes, I don't have any grandparents left and I sometimes wonder what it will feel like to have my wedding without any grandparents attending. It probably sounds selfish, but all in all it's a very sad thought..at least for me.
• The pain of living in the ultra-polluted city called Bangalore, where commuting to my work-place in electronics city from Kormangala is a nightmare and I don't believe I could ever get used to it again after two and a half years of hassle free and superfast London tube/Tokyo trains (not to mention dust free).
• The joy of living with my sister and meeting her after so long, but clouded with the pain of the overlooming presence of her sister-in-law who is the most impossible woman I have met and has absolutely no respect for any other person in this world and is hell bent on making life hell for me and I am totally clueless why.
• The pain of falling sick and contracting jaundice(!!!) of all the effing diseases possible. The raging fever and the nausea and the retching and the feeling that there is no way I can survive and this is the end of life for me. The pain of all the scary thoughts and the what-ifs crossing my mind as I lay there and wondered what went wrong with my body followed by the pain of slow recovery.
• The pain of feeling a strange loss when I got released from my project. It was after all my first project in all my working life and it was the only job I have known. Though I have had enough of my ex-manager who I wish to call names I wouldn't write in this blog, but still strangely, the pain exists.

Basically I have spent two months at home with my parents. Two aimless months. The worst part right now is that when I try and take a peek into what my future looks like, it turns out bleak and hazy and it's not because of my poor eyesight (which I might as well have added to my list of pains).

I want a purpose in life, I am looking for an opportunity, but somehow it seems that fate probably has more pain in store. The creator doesn't want my life to be all smooth and happy. There has to be twists and pitfalls every step of the way. Struggles do not make an achievement any more special for me inspite of what people may say. I don't want all these struggles. I want a tiny ray of happiness. I want to wake up and smile and sigh and say - " Mmmmm...life is good" just like old times.

I want a good job that pays me good bucks and I want to live-it-up again and socialize and party with friends and laugh till my sides hurt and be all healthy and happy again. I want to make my life interesting, and I have no clue where to start. I am like the mantice in Kung-fu panda watching the world go by while I wait. Will I learn the virtue of patience then? Time will tell... but I wouldn't know what to do with it.

The year that was

I have now come to terms with the fact that I am not great at keeping my blogs updated. I can blame it on my job, my lifestyle and keep adding random excuses to the list, but the fact remains - I am regularly irregular.

This year begins with a wish to write more frequently, at least twice every month - which is a pretty reasonable goal. Maybe, I will look back when 2011 dawns and be happy at successfully fulfilling his tiny wish, or maybe not, but right now let me look back at 2009...

January - I was in India enjoying life in Bangalore. Most of my days were spent running around for my passport and visa related errands. But I guess the best thing that happened to me was the discovery of my awesome PG flat mates and those great pyjama parties and gossip sessions I had. Met up with my cousin and her darling baby after years!

February - One of my bestest friends got married and I flew to Delhi to attend her wedding. It was my first trip to Delhi and it was one of the most memorable trips ever. Got my new passport and that too within a couple of days - Bangalore's passport office is one of the most efficient government offices in India, I must say!

March - Celebrated holi in the office and it deserves a mention simply because it was so much fun! It was a month of parties and friends and re-unions and it ended with a week long vacation with my entire family followed by the trip to Japan. And yeah, my best friend broke his hand and had to undergo surgery.

April - The first month in Tokyo was spent trying to get a hang of the language, the people, the hours in office, the crowds in trains.

May - I moved into my new house in Nishikasai from Nakano, well partially. Nothing major happened worth mentioning except a few trips to nearby places and more of Japanese culture. Golden week was spent in Disney land and setting up the new house.

June - My grandmom passed away and i still regret not being able to be with her more often in her last days. Went for white water rafting and faced the fear of water!

July - Went for my first camping trip. This was a good year for travelling and fun. I guess looking back, this was the best trip of the entire year.

August - Marked the end of summer and was probably the most emotionally wrought month of the entire year full of melodramatic mood swings that were so uncharacteristic of me that it left me wondering. Got my tourist visa for USA, though it was of no use...but another stamp on my passport calls for a 'yay me!'.

September - The month with the vacations - went around Japan and visited Yokohama, Hakone and Takao.

October - Diwali month. This month marked the end of the one friendship that I had come to treasure the most in all these months. Though it was a good month in general with get-togethers and fun-moments, it was all tainted with the sorrow of the good bye.

November - The worst month of the entire year. Back-breaking work hours, loads of bad news, bouts of ill-health - you name it and it was there! My roommate went back to India and I was back to living alone.

December - Life finally turned for the better, end of the year sounded the bell for making judgement calls and decisions. It was a month to reap the fruits of the hardships that Sep-Nov had shown me and it was time to finally relax, pay attention to me me and only me and spend moments with good friends and family as I turned a year older and bade adieu to 2009.