The Music of Mere Words

“Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotion know what it means to want to escape from these” - a wonderful quote from Emily Dickenson.

I chanced upon few stray pages of a diary that I used to keep as a young adolescent. I had written a couple of poems in Hindi.

Here goes: 

महफ़िल थी सजी आज यहाँ

फिर किसे ढूंढ रही थी नज़रें?

मैंने कहा, सब कुछ तो है यहाँ,

तन्हाई ने आवाज़ दी - वो यहाँ नहीं ...

जिसकी खुशबु बस्ती है दूर पहाड़ों में

और उतरती है वो घटाओं संग,

बरसती है मन के इस वीरान नगरी पर

बनके पहली फुहार की सौंधी खुशबु|

बस जाता है हर वीराना

उठती है एक चंचल सी लहर,

आग के लपते बन जाते हैं शीतल ओस

मालूम होता है अमृत सा हर ज़हर|

आज तुने कही वो बात जो कचोट रहा है मन,

मीरा ने तो हस के विष पिया, मैं कहाँ की जोगन?

दर-बदर फिरती हूँ तलाश में,

कहीं तो मिले एक कतरा ज़िन्दगी - इसी आस में

आस जो तोड़ी है तुने, वो कैसे जोड़ पाऊंगी?

पर चीज़ वो तेरी है, उसे जीवन भर अपनाऊंगी|

~Soumya

(December 2004)

One nation and the frenzy!

What does it mean to be an Indian? And what does it mean to an Indian when 11 fellow country-men lift the cup proclaiming the entire nation world champions?
It means that every Indian, in every part of the world, whether he or she follows cricket or not, sat through the entire 9 odd hours match screaming, praying fervently, jumping up and down with joy at every point their team scored.
They tweeted like crazy and facebook saw a traffic like never before as every status got updated with every wicket taken and all the extra runs scored. People united across the globe and celebrated with tears of joy and dance with music and fireworks and food and drinks. They congratulated each other, called everyone up, sent messages all over the world.
"We" got the cup home after 28 long years, they said.
At times like these, do we get to know just how connected we are. Different cultures, different religions but underneath it all beats an Indian heart that rejoices when eleven worthy sportsmen lift a cup. It takes a single golden cup to awaken the Indian spirit in all of us.
Suddenly the very same people who criticized the team captain MS Dhoni, started swearing by his abilities. People who had doubt etched over the frowns in their faces suddenly broke into a smile that said - I knew it all along that we could do it.

It took eleven sportsmen to bring our country together in celebration. What will it take to keep the nation together? What will it take to prevent it from breaking apart ever again? What will it take to keep the euphoria going?

Another championship? Or just the realization and morals of today's youth that keeps it thinking and deliberating. I don't have the answer yet. But I hope to be a witness to it, whenever that happens, be it another 28 yrs down the line or sooner.

I am woman, hear me roar

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore

So...going through my previous blog was enough to make me realize that 2010 was a crappy old year (Get the wordplay? Happy New year - Crappy Old year? No? Ok fine, forget it!)

Apart from those happy and ecstatic moments that were few and far between, most of it was pure hell. I was miserable, I was jobless (although I was still earning my meagre salary) and I was heartbroken. Let me tell you, being heartbroken and getting over a relationship-gone-bad at the ripe old age of 27 sucks! Big Time!!

And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

What did I do?

2011 came knocking, and I threw the door wide open and greeted it with a wide smile (those who know me and are thinking it must have been one of those totally plastic smiles - I don't care what you think ..hmmpph...at least i made an effort. So there!) and took it's arm and walked towards the sunrise.

A new job, a new city, a new beautiful home and now as I sit typing on my new shiny macbook pro, I say to myself - "Not too shabby, gurrll!" and I realize it is a new year. A beginning of another chapter. Be it good or bad, I am the author and I am the one writing it.

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

For the past 5 and a half years, I have wondered what it would be like to really like my job. To feel good about getting up and going to work daily. I had a fair idea of what I wanted to do, but things looked difficult. There were easy options of settling for mediocrity and keep doing what I have been doing for all these years. I did not settle. I said no to the easy-way-outs.

Now I like what I do. I am like a new born calf treading unsteadily but slowly and surely getting steadier. I am enjoying the change and loving it. I'm not saying that it will last and I accept the possibility that it might get boring and monotonous over the years, but you see, when it does this time, I won't be unsure or doubtful. And until that moment, I hope to make the most of it.

Those people who never appreciated me or understood my worth for those past 5 yrs that I have slogged for them, can suck it!

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Yes, I have a long long way to go ahead. As I have started writing again, I can feel the tiny fingers of newborn hope wrapping themselves around my heart. I will travel more - lots of countries await. Malaysia, Indonesia, Philippines and Cambodia feature in this years 'destinations - here i come' list.

Maybe learn a few languages, get enough experience to get another higher-paying job, get certified and who knows, maybe get another degree.

Eventually, I might even start dating and might finally get to meet 'the one' and end up happily married in a few years down the line. For now, just the fact that I can imagine the possibilities is good enough to make me feel contented.

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained

Pain is something I can face. I know, because I have faced it and have emerged stronger. I have been in agony, emotional hell, and physical pain. And I am a survivor. I have been in denial, I have suppressed my emotions until they ate away my core, I have weeped and smiled through tears.

Even now, a few words right on target have me weeping, gut-wrenching sobs that refuse to ebb. But I always manage to steel myself, hard and cold and ultimately all in one piece, at least on the outside.

I laugh with people at work, make jokes, call up and talk to friends and family and those precious few people in the world who care, and every day and every passing moment I know that I can face anything. I'm a survivor, I'm a woman. Pain is something I'm designed to handle. Agony only serves to polish me into the diamond that can cut the densest and hardest thing on earth.

If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman

I just wish at times that I didn't have to.

2011, would you be kind to me please?

One of those "what's the point anyways?" rantings...

My life lately has been hours of nothingness. I solve the crossword in the daily newspaper and that's the most interesting part of my life as it involves thinking. So when my friend calls up and tells me his life is boring (with all the parties and beach trips and what-nots), I am like hello! I must be dead then.
Then I wonder, what's the whole point of living when I don't even seem to bother to want to feel alive. Life has been a series of painful blows one after the other for the past few months and I have now stopped feeling it all. It's like turning a light switch on and off, only I prefer it off these days.
The pain started when I moved back from Tokyo and hasn't stopped since.

• The extreme heat of India, the helplessness of seeing my dad and uncles running around trying to do the best to make the last days of my dying grandmum comfortable, while still struggling to come to terms with the prospect of losing their mother.
• The pain of the loss of my last living grandparent. Yes, I don't have any grandparents left and I sometimes wonder what it will feel like to have my wedding without any grandparents attending. It probably sounds selfish, but all in all it's a very sad thought..at least for me.
• The pain of living in the ultra-polluted city called Bangalore, where commuting to my work-place in electronics city from Kormangala is a nightmare and I don't believe I could ever get used to it again after two and a half years of hassle free and superfast London tube/Tokyo trains (not to mention dust free).
• The joy of living with my sister and meeting her after so long, but clouded with the pain of the overlooming presence of her sister-in-law who is the most impossible woman I have met and has absolutely no respect for any other person in this world and is hell bent on making life hell for me and I am totally clueless why.
• The pain of falling sick and contracting jaundice(!!!) of all the effing diseases possible. The raging fever and the nausea and the retching and the feeling that there is no way I can survive and this is the end of life for me. The pain of all the scary thoughts and the what-ifs crossing my mind as I lay there and wondered what went wrong with my body followed by the pain of slow recovery.
• The pain of feeling a strange loss when I got released from my project. It was after all my first project in all my working life and it was the only job I have known. Though I have had enough of my ex-manager who I wish to call names I wouldn't write in this blog, but still strangely, the pain exists.

Basically I have spent two months at home with my parents. Two aimless months. The worst part right now is that when I try and take a peek into what my future looks like, it turns out bleak and hazy and it's not because of my poor eyesight (which I might as well have added to my list of pains).

I want a purpose in life, I am looking for an opportunity, but somehow it seems that fate probably has more pain in store. The creator doesn't want my life to be all smooth and happy. There has to be twists and pitfalls every step of the way. Struggles do not make an achievement any more special for me inspite of what people may say. I don't want all these struggles. I want a tiny ray of happiness. I want to wake up and smile and sigh and say - " Mmmmm...life is good" just like old times.

I want a good job that pays me good bucks and I want to live-it-up again and socialize and party with friends and laugh till my sides hurt and be all healthy and happy again. I want to make my life interesting, and I have no clue where to start. I am like the mantice in Kung-fu panda watching the world go by while I wait. Will I learn the virtue of patience then? Time will tell... but I wouldn't know what to do with it.

The year that was

I have now come to terms with the fact that I am not great at keeping my blogs updated. I can blame it on my job, my lifestyle and keep adding random excuses to the list, but the fact remains - I am regularly irregular.

This year begins with a wish to write more frequently, at least twice every month - which is a pretty reasonable goal. Maybe, I will look back when 2011 dawns and be happy at successfully fulfilling his tiny wish, or maybe not, but right now let me look back at 2009...

January - I was in India enjoying life in Bangalore. Most of my days were spent running around for my passport and visa related errands. But I guess the best thing that happened to me was the discovery of my awesome PG flat mates and those great pyjama parties and gossip sessions I had. Met up with my cousin and her darling baby after years!

February - One of my bestest friends got married and I flew to Delhi to attend her wedding. It was my first trip to Delhi and it was one of the most memorable trips ever. Got my new passport and that too within a couple of days - Bangalore's passport office is one of the most efficient government offices in India, I must say!

March - Celebrated holi in the office and it deserves a mention simply because it was so much fun! It was a month of parties and friends and re-unions and it ended with a week long vacation with my entire family followed by the trip to Japan. And yeah, my best friend broke his hand and had to undergo surgery.

April - The first month in Tokyo was spent trying to get a hang of the language, the people, the hours in office, the crowds in trains.

May - I moved into my new house in Nishikasai from Nakano, well partially. Nothing major happened worth mentioning except a few trips to nearby places and more of Japanese culture. Golden week was spent in Disney land and setting up the new house.

June - My grandmom passed away and i still regret not being able to be with her more often in her last days. Went for white water rafting and faced the fear of water!

July - Went for my first camping trip. This was a good year for travelling and fun. I guess looking back, this was the best trip of the entire year.

August - Marked the end of summer and was probably the most emotionally wrought month of the entire year full of melodramatic mood swings that were so uncharacteristic of me that it left me wondering. Got my tourist visa for USA, though it was of no use...but another stamp on my passport calls for a 'yay me!'.

September - The month with the vacations - went around Japan and visited Yokohama, Hakone and Takao.

October - Diwali month. This month marked the end of the one friendship that I had come to treasure the most in all these months. Though it was a good month in general with get-togethers and fun-moments, it was all tainted with the sorrow of the good bye.

November - The worst month of the entire year. Back-breaking work hours, loads of bad news, bouts of ill-health - you name it and it was there! My roommate went back to India and I was back to living alone.

December - Life finally turned for the better, end of the year sounded the bell for making judgement calls and decisions. It was a month to reap the fruits of the hardships that Sep-Nov had shown me and it was time to finally relax, pay attention to me me and only me and spend moments with good friends and family as I turned a year older and bade adieu to 2009.

I feel like Atlas and I want to shrug.....

...and today...i choose to give up - not because i don't have the strength, but because I have finally decided to listen to the tiny voice in my head telling me all this time, that the thing i have been trying desperately to salvage is just not worth it.

I feel like I have walked through the scorching desert sands, bearing the overpowering heat, strongly and silently plodding on, forwards towards the horizon and now I have lost the will to go on. I choose to retreat - not because the goal seems too far, but because I realize I am moving farther away from the core of my life not towards it.

I choose to break down into sobs and let the tears wash through my heart and soul - not because I am too weak hide my emotions, but because they help me let go of the bonds tied around me and lay glistening as a life elixir healing the wounds.

Yes, those wounds that are the result of the care, the trust and the love I carelessly gave away.

I have been thinking, but today, I choose to let go of the guilt, the shame, the sorrow, the blame.

Another day will come, and another soul will raid my life and plunder through the treasures and I will yet again hold on - until I choose.

In one of my philosophical moods...

I wonder if the day would ever dawn when I would not feel the intense longing to have the things I don’t own. Does a human being ever stop wanting things?
I always wanted to visit European countries. Now that I have been to all the places which are considered a must-visit-at-least-once-in-a-lifetime, is my desire to travel and visit new countries and experience new culture any less than it used to be? No, it has just changed, metamorphosed into a wish to visit places less known, but it’s essence remains – untarnished, it’s merry flames cackling happily like a mean witch’s laughter.
Most of our thoughts begin with ‘I want…’ or ‘I don’t want…’ . Whether we voice it or not, we never cease to aspire for bigger or better. Desire has been labeled sinful by people and religions all around the world. Why is it such a taboo? Is it a sin to wish for a happier existence? When we speak about God and the wonderful life bestowed upon us, we try and delve deep and find a meaning to this life. Why then is it so hard to imagine that God perhaps meant us to just be happy? To be happy is to find out what we really want and then just do it.
The mere fact that want and desires are never ending, is what has lead to this reaction of mankind. But we kindle it in our heart and souls. It has been given a myriad of names to make it seem less notorious and give a positive side to it. We have called it hope, aspiration, ambition and dreams. We have bred it under the guise of fancies and given it wings, cheering it on as it takes flight.