One of those "what's the point anyways?" rantings...

My life lately has been hours of nothingness. I solve the crossword in the daily newspaper and that's the most interesting part of my life as it involves thinking. So when my friend calls up and tells me his life is boring (with all the parties and beach trips and what-nots), I am like hello! I must be dead then.
Then I wonder, what's the whole point of living when I don't even seem to bother to want to feel alive. Life has been a series of painful blows one after the other for the past few months and I have now stopped feeling it all. It's like turning a light switch on and off, only I prefer it off these days.
The pain started when I moved back from Tokyo and hasn't stopped since.

• The extreme heat of India, the helplessness of seeing my dad and uncles running around trying to do the best to make the last days of my dying grandmum comfortable, while still struggling to come to terms with the prospect of losing their mother.
• The pain of the loss of my last living grandparent. Yes, I don't have any grandparents left and I sometimes wonder what it will feel like to have my wedding without any grandparents attending. It probably sounds selfish, but all in all it's a very sad thought..at least for me.
• The pain of living in the ultra-polluted city called Bangalore, where commuting to my work-place in electronics city from Kormangala is a nightmare and I don't believe I could ever get used to it again after two and a half years of hassle free and superfast London tube/Tokyo trains (not to mention dust free).
• The joy of living with my sister and meeting her after so long, but clouded with the pain of the overlooming presence of her sister-in-law who is the most impossible woman I have met and has absolutely no respect for any other person in this world and is hell bent on making life hell for me and I am totally clueless why.
• The pain of falling sick and contracting jaundice(!!!) of all the effing diseases possible. The raging fever and the nausea and the retching and the feeling that there is no way I can survive and this is the end of life for me. The pain of all the scary thoughts and the what-ifs crossing my mind as I lay there and wondered what went wrong with my body followed by the pain of slow recovery.
• The pain of feeling a strange loss when I got released from my project. It was after all my first project in all my working life and it was the only job I have known. Though I have had enough of my ex-manager who I wish to call names I wouldn't write in this blog, but still strangely, the pain exists.

Basically I have spent two months at home with my parents. Two aimless months. The worst part right now is that when I try and take a peek into what my future looks like, it turns out bleak and hazy and it's not because of my poor eyesight (which I might as well have added to my list of pains).

I want a purpose in life, I am looking for an opportunity, but somehow it seems that fate probably has more pain in store. The creator doesn't want my life to be all smooth and happy. There has to be twists and pitfalls every step of the way. Struggles do not make an achievement any more special for me inspite of what people may say. I don't want all these struggles. I want a tiny ray of happiness. I want to wake up and smile and sigh and say - " Mmmmm...life is good" just like old times.

I want a good job that pays me good bucks and I want to live-it-up again and socialize and party with friends and laugh till my sides hurt and be all healthy and happy again. I want to make my life interesting, and I have no clue where to start. I am like the mantice in Kung-fu panda watching the world go by while I wait. Will I learn the virtue of patience then? Time will tell... but I wouldn't know what to do with it.

The year that was

I have now come to terms with the fact that I am not great at keeping my blogs updated. I can blame it on my job, my lifestyle and keep adding random excuses to the list, but the fact remains - I am regularly irregular.

This year begins with a wish to write more frequently, at least twice every month - which is a pretty reasonable goal. Maybe, I will look back when 2011 dawns and be happy at successfully fulfilling his tiny wish, or maybe not, but right now let me look back at 2009...

January - I was in India enjoying life in Bangalore. Most of my days were spent running around for my passport and visa related errands. But I guess the best thing that happened to me was the discovery of my awesome PG flat mates and those great pyjama parties and gossip sessions I had. Met up with my cousin and her darling baby after years!

February - One of my bestest friends got married and I flew to Delhi to attend her wedding. It was my first trip to Delhi and it was one of the most memorable trips ever. Got my new passport and that too within a couple of days - Bangalore's passport office is one of the most efficient government offices in India, I must say!

March - Celebrated holi in the office and it deserves a mention simply because it was so much fun! It was a month of parties and friends and re-unions and it ended with a week long vacation with my entire family followed by the trip to Japan. And yeah, my best friend broke his hand and had to undergo surgery.

April - The first month in Tokyo was spent trying to get a hang of the language, the people, the hours in office, the crowds in trains.

May - I moved into my new house in Nishikasai from Nakano, well partially. Nothing major happened worth mentioning except a few trips to nearby places and more of Japanese culture. Golden week was spent in Disney land and setting up the new house.

June - My grandmom passed away and i still regret not being able to be with her more often in her last days. Went for white water rafting and faced the fear of water!

July - Went for my first camping trip. This was a good year for travelling and fun. I guess looking back, this was the best trip of the entire year.

August - Marked the end of summer and was probably the most emotionally wrought month of the entire year full of melodramatic mood swings that were so uncharacteristic of me that it left me wondering. Got my tourist visa for USA, though it was of no use...but another stamp on my passport calls for a 'yay me!'.

September - The month with the vacations - went around Japan and visited Yokohama, Hakone and Takao.

October - Diwali month. This month marked the end of the one friendship that I had come to treasure the most in all these months. Though it was a good month in general with get-togethers and fun-moments, it was all tainted with the sorrow of the good bye.

November - The worst month of the entire year. Back-breaking work hours, loads of bad news, bouts of ill-health - you name it and it was there! My roommate went back to India and I was back to living alone.

December - Life finally turned for the better, end of the year sounded the bell for making judgement calls and decisions. It was a month to reap the fruits of the hardships that Sep-Nov had shown me and it was time to finally relax, pay attention to me me and only me and spend moments with good friends and family as I turned a year older and bade adieu to 2009.

I feel like Atlas and I want to shrug.....

...and today...i choose to give up - not because i don't have the strength, but because I have finally decided to listen to the tiny voice in my head telling me all this time, that the thing i have been trying desperately to salvage is just not worth it.

I feel like I have walked through the scorching desert sands, bearing the overpowering heat, strongly and silently plodding on, forwards towards the horizon and now I have lost the will to go on. I choose to retreat - not because the goal seems too far, but because I realize I am moving farther away from the core of my life not towards it.

I choose to break down into sobs and let the tears wash through my heart and soul - not because I am too weak hide my emotions, but because they help me let go of the bonds tied around me and lay glistening as a life elixir healing the wounds.

Yes, those wounds that are the result of the care, the trust and the love I carelessly gave away.

I have been thinking, but today, I choose to let go of the guilt, the shame, the sorrow, the blame.

Another day will come, and another soul will raid my life and plunder through the treasures and I will yet again hold on - until I choose.

In one of my philosophical moods...

I wonder if the day would ever dawn when I would not feel the intense longing to have the things I don’t own. Does a human being ever stop wanting things?
I always wanted to visit European countries. Now that I have been to all the places which are considered a must-visit-at-least-once-in-a-lifetime, is my desire to travel and visit new countries and experience new culture any less than it used to be? No, it has just changed, metamorphosed into a wish to visit places less known, but it’s essence remains – untarnished, it’s merry flames cackling happily like a mean witch’s laughter.
Most of our thoughts begin with ‘I want…’ or ‘I don’t want…’ . Whether we voice it or not, we never cease to aspire for bigger or better. Desire has been labeled sinful by people and religions all around the world. Why is it such a taboo? Is it a sin to wish for a happier existence? When we speak about God and the wonderful life bestowed upon us, we try and delve deep and find a meaning to this life. Why then is it so hard to imagine that God perhaps meant us to just be happy? To be happy is to find out what we really want and then just do it.
The mere fact that want and desires are never ending, is what has lead to this reaction of mankind. But we kindle it in our heart and souls. It has been given a myriad of names to make it seem less notorious and give a positive side to it. We have called it hope, aspiration, ambition and dreams. We have bred it under the guise of fancies and given it wings, cheering it on as it takes flight.

Tokyo travails - I

It has been just over a month since I landed in Tokyo, and I havent really been to a lot of places yet. And past few weeks have been busy with apartment viewings, contract signing, but yayyy!! I am finally going to move to my new house, haven, hearth ...home. It's this sweet warm flat with huge french windows and sliding doors made of paper and shiny wooden flooring. The bedroom floors are actually made of tatami mats - how cool is that?! But there is no internet connection yet, but that should be done soon and then I will be all nicely settled down.
So, you can imagine that the weekends were booked, what with all the purchases and moving half of my stuff.

I have still managed to check out a couple of places in and around though.

The first weekend, that is, the day after I landed, I went to Kasai-Rinkai Koen. It is a park and basically consists of a couple of man-made islands. It's also got a giant ferris wheel nearby, which proved to be a little dissapointing as it goes much-much slower than our Indian-mela-style giant wheels, but you get a great view of the city from high up so it was pretty good.
There was also an area with lots of slot-machines for games - the Japanese are very much into these games - pachinko and what nots - so you kinda find them everywhere around here.
My friends and I decided to try our hands at making our own cotton candy - you insert coins into this cotton candy machine and it spurs into action and then you just try to grab as many wisps of the sugary cotton as you can with a stick. It was lots of fun and I ended up with a lopsided white fuzzy shapeless mess in my hands. Of course, I insisted on sharing it - I have a big heart. Tee hee hee. We ended that evening by having awesome Mexican food at the -El Torito - and I must say the fajitas were yummy.

The second trip that we had was a real fun trip. We decided to hire a car and since the guys have been here for quite a long while now, they have seen almost all of the 'nice' places around Tokyo. We finally googled up some Tokyo German Village near Chiba and headed towards it. We had an early start so we stopped over to pick up some breakfast. The cars go at amazing speeds in Tokyo and my friend's driving skills actually deserve more than just a mention. He manoeuvred the turns at full speeds and we were all thrown around in the car like rag-dolls despite wearing seat belts!! It was just one heck of a roller-coaster experience but wot-the-heck - it was fun nevertheless.
The village itself is just a landscaped turf mainly, with flowers and a few timbered houses serving German food and playing German folk songs and Das Deutschlandlied from speakers so that you can hear them everywhere you go. But then, there were these tulip gardens which look and feel great even though you have seen them before - with rows and rows of these pretty flowers in deep red, pink, yellow and white. There was also a tiny 'zoo' section with mountain goats (they actually looked german to me), sheep, dog-like-hybrids, guinea pigs. And then, the hi-light of this village are the games. We tried our hand at archery and I nearly lost an eye! - well okay, that was exaggerated. We had never tried it before and the guy at the stalls, fitted me with this gear and taught me the 'technique' and I actually hit the target-board with my first arrow - yayyyy!!! Sooo, I got pretty excited and you see, the wire which you actually pull to launch the arrow is extremely taut and you need a lot of force to pull it back. I forgot to keep my eye out of my hands way - I was aiming for the bull's eye (as if!!) and BAM! the hand recoiled and hit me in the eye and I swear I saw candles swimming around me. It actually seems quite funny now, but boy, it hurts to get a black-eye ...and I got a red blood clot in my cornea as well. Eventually, I used up the rest of my arrows and this time none of them were remotely near the bulls eye - I was busy protecting my 'good' eye.
Then there was this sliding game which was truly mindblowing. All we could see from a distance was a huge, steep, grassy-looking slope with people coming down it. Obviously, we were intrigued into trying it out. It was this plasticky green turf with small ridges in it that was spread thoughout the slope. We picked up these small plastic trays and hand gloves and trudged up the steps on the side till we reached right up to the top. Then, you just have to sit on these trayswith curled up knees and push urself until you reach the edge and then down you go...wheeeeeeee.....bumping all the way over the small ridges and slide to a stop at the bottom. It was hilarious and we kept coming back loads of times. I was the only one screaming all the way down apparently - but that's what made it so much fun!
I almost knocked down a tiny kid who was so shocked when I whizzed past barely missing him by nano-meteres that he stared open-mouthed for full 3 minutes...haha.
Then we wrapped up from there and moved on to this Kamogawa Seaworld where they had Dolphin, killer whales and sea-lion shows....it was really amazing.
It sounds ridiculous even as I now write it, but I actually kinda almost teared up during the killer whale show. It is really amazing how man and these huge sea -mammals can connect so beautifully. The whale visible loved that girl who was doing all those tricks and the chemistry actually reminded you of 'Free Willy'.
It wasnt really much, but it was a good start.

Last week was actually a long holiday week - Golden Week. We had Mon, Tue and Wed off and it was nice and relaxing and I shifted most of the stuffs to my new home. And I visited Tokyo Disneyland on Monday. It was as usual a hap-hap-happy day - Walt Disney deserves a place in heaven for spreading so much happiness. The rides I enjoyed most was the splash mountain... it is this boat kinda coaster which goes inside an artificial mountain which is beautiful from inside - it's supposed to be Brer Rabbit's home with lots of frogs and bears and foxes singing along with small drops and rizes along the way and then at the end you have this humongous vertical drop where every one screams their lungs out as you can actualy feel you insides dropping and all you can see below is a huge bed of artificial thorns designed to hide the actual tunnel opening. It's thrilling and happy - a great combination for a ride.
Then we had a jungle ride, space mountain, star wars, the usual stuff. It really makes me think just how much money would have gone into creating this huge space with such beautiful artwork complete and perfect to the last details, and all working like clockwork without any hitches.
Anyhow, I bought a pair of Minnie ears and wore them throughout looking all cute and minnie-mousey :) and a disney tumbler full of caramel popcorns and smoked turkey legs and all mickey shaped chicken nuggets, ice-cream sandwich, ice lollies. Sigh, sigh...I wish every single day could be a repitition of this. Okay - I don't really want that. I just wrote it as it sounds poetic...or whatever.

Not a single plan for this weekend, except that I am starting a new 'healthy- resolution'. I am gonna go on a diet and eat only caloriemates(ugghh) and run for at least a mile and a half every evening. I keep eating and sitting at my desk all day and I can feel that I have put on quite a lot of weight and ergo the above resolution.

Of all things and nothing...

Well, okay...life has been busy. And i do not have any better excuse for not writing.
So, I have been quite the globe trotter now, as my friends keep saying, but duuuuudes, the trip to Japan is just my second trip. But what do you know, I like the title already ;)

I left London on 22nd of November last year, but i would definitely like to return someday.
Then I went to Bangalore after spending a week at home with mom and dad and getting spoilt. I didn't really do much on the vacation but sleep all day and spent the night chatting on the internet with old friends. My parents got really frustrated at this night-owl-resembling behaviour of mins but heyy, they sympathised with my 'jet-lag'. ha ha.
Guys and gals, you might think that all those bloody NRIs who come back after spending time 'abroad' are all just a bunch of pretentious bastards with huge goggles and big bags, sweating and heaving along the roads of India with upturned noses. But actually, it is really difficult once your body gets adjusted to the cool weather and clean air of the 'foreignlands'.

Godddd, bangalore sucked initially. I had to travel in local buses to reach office and back, and i was hustled and bustled by people stinking sweat and coconut oil and wilted flowers and trust me, it was not pleasant even remotely.
And finding a house is such a pain - firstly, it's damn expensive!!! and secondly the contracts are for a year or more. Ergo, I decided to go for a PG and blimey, i have never witnessed such pathetic living conditions before. I mean, is this the so-called tech-city?? Narrow bunklike beds in a cockroach ridden room at times divided into several smaller spaces by plywoods (termite ridden ones - you got to look carefully), badly cooked unhygeinic food. Euuugggghhh!!!
I almost gave up, but then I found my haven, a nice litle 4 bhk just 20 mins walk from my office. woo hooooo!! Best thing was that the owner didn't stay with us and so it was almost like a rented place...with really low rent ;o)) and it was clean and spacious....
There were these amazing girls and we totally formed an awesome gang there.
We used to host pajama parties until 4AM and finish off a whole large VODKA bottle ..tee hee hee.
And since it was a residential colony of sorts, there used to be these guards patrolling at nights and they used to come up to our room and actually bang on our doors to ask us to bring down the noise. I personally think they were just jealous...you know we gals having a blast on Saturday nights and they doing patrolling....get the picture?
I actually screamed at them the first time under dutch courage - "Ye koi tareeka haiiii? Akele Ladkiyon ke ghar 12 baje aake is tarah se koi darwaaza knock karta hai kyaaa?? ' hahaha...i don't believe myself...

But seriously, it used to be fun. And then we used to talk and scream and tickle each other just for fun and talk all sorts of g-talks and generally hang out. I never cooked so these gals used to cook for me and i loved them for it.

Then there was my actual roomie, who was this amazingle sweet girl, who was married and away from here husband and really sad because of it. She had some issues, so I used to spend lot of time actually counselling her. I realised I have this hidden talent, maybe I can undertake a course or something and turn into a shrink, or just open a counselling bar or something - A tall glass of rum free..free..freee'. Yayyy!!!

Office used to be fun too, we used to go to this awesome pub called 'Purple Haze' which was just in front of our office and hang out almost every friday night...and generally talk over pitchers.
Sigh, those were good days.

But they are now over, and here I am in T-o-k-y-o.
Nice city..hi-tech and all...strange people who talk in a sing-song way...awfully hardworking (ohh nooo :(() but not that much fun.

But all about this in another blog.

For now...this is me signing off...with a song from Greenday..I hope you had the time of your life my friends, coz i sure know I did.

~Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

Back to business!

Well, I must say that the last month was exhausting, and went by before I could even say "What the hell?!!". I had a lot of fun and completely enjoyed my time away from the everyday banality of life. We really went all around London and parts of the UK and it was a nice thing tagging along with parents. it felt like being a child again. And now, they're back in India and i am back to my life which let's just say is as interesting as watching paint dry. Alright, depressing green paint drying on an uninhabited, desolate city park which is closed for want of funds!!! Howzzat? Get the picture? Hmm, that was a bit extreme. My life is actually not that boring. I joined the gym today (Applause!). I am lanning to take up some of the classes like kick-boxing and street dancing. Time to lose all those xtras I have put on thanks to the English food i gorge on all the time. I am turning out to be a total shopaholic. Not entirely my fault, okay. The summer sale is on, which means you have to shop. It's just a obligatory thing now, right? And I had to buy a gift for my cousin's baby who's turning a year old this Saturday. So, I went out and bought a cool Espirit bag for less than half it's price and also a cool, simple classy halter top. No, not for the baby...that was for me! So basically today was a good day, both at work and after. Aah, me, I've got my groove back...Now it's time for my beauty sleep. But before that, I need to mention this. I watched the latest flick - Jane Tu ... Ya Jane Na, and I loved it. Full timepass, entertaining, not-boring-at-any-time kinda movie. Albiet I was a little skeptical initially as I really don't like best-buddies-turn-lovers kinda movies, and inspite of that I enjoyed it thoroughly. Silly, unrealistic comedy makes you laugh and after 2.5 hrs you come out of the theatre smiling and happy. Me and my roommate had a nice dinner before we started for the movie and we had topped ourselves up with Malibu, so needless to say we were giggling the loudest in the movie hall. Teeheeheee. I am looking forward to the weekend now, just a day to go. Coolio!